החיים שאחרי האלימות המתמשכת

first whisper           24/04/2009

this words are being said in a whisper, for i am psychotic no more. you are far from me, and cannot touch me. and i cannot be touched.
these life are the life after the ongoing violence. physical violence, verbal violence.
these life, though it is so hard and so sad to write it down, are life after rape.
no, it did not happen yesterday or a week ago. it's been 17 years since. and still – the brain refuses to let go of the trauma.
my story is a bit strange, even peculiar. at times it seems as though i was born lacking any needs like a potato sack, being dragged from one place to the other, bitten again and again, by random passer byes. now you might lift one eye brow or two, or perhaps not, for you were kids too. and maybe you were the ones who bullied and maybe you were the ones who've been bullied. and if you were really lucky, you didn't
notice at all, and when you stood in the crowd – the sight was not burned heavily into your mind.
with every threat at home and outside i gut pushed further away to the edges of my consciousness.and yet I'm still in a body. a woman of words in a body. i got nothing left but words. and i tried to live among you without success. i lost the ability to live among humans. and perhaps i have never developed it.
for my body collapsed each time i tried. and the good you have to offer i reject for the world i grew up in was a world of horror.
and these words are being said in a whisper, so i won't collapse. to remind me that i am not like you. the world i live in is a world of a twisted brain, of eyes that watch through a fuzzy glass – people that morph into shadows of events, and a sensory system that produces invasive scents and touch which doesn't exist anymore.
and still, i whisper, perhaps you'll hear me. and instead of talking to the white walls around me, I'll have an audience, who wouldn't beat  devaluate or ignore me.
my fingers are trembling on the keyboard – will i be erased?  my voice – would it never be heard? am i going to be another lost voice in the Blogosfira?
i despise myself – reading these sentences. yes. i move between not wanting to show any weakness, never to show any weakness, to the truth that after all i've been through i still need people.

מאת whisper נושאים אין תגובות »